Archive for the ‘heart pain’ Category


So, here’s hoping the whole tree doesn’t have to go.


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Shit sakes. This is ridiculous.

BP chokes off the oil leak; now begins the wait:

NEW ORLEANS – BP finally choked off the flow of oil into the Gulf of Mexico on Thursday — 85 days and up to 184 million gallons after the crisis unfolded — then began a tense 48 hours of watching to see whether the capped-off well would hold or blow a new leak.

To the relief of millions of people along the Gulf Coast, the big, billowing brown cloud of crude at the bottom of the sea disappeared from the underwater video feed for the first time since the disaster began in April, as BP closed the last of three openings in the 75-ton cap lowered onto the well earlier this week.

Yes, it is a relief. But considering that the oil that already gushed into the Gulf is having a huge impact on everything from commerce to the environment. (Sweet Lady, the environment is taking the biggest portion of shit from this. You can see a video here “Horrifying” no longer covers this. No words can.)

You know, I think I will have to take a page from Ian Somerhalder’s book, or rather Twitter feed, and join in on the boycott. Even if it hurts my wallet. (Maybe especially because it will. Then it’ll actually mean something.)

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A 43-year-old Iranian woman is facing death by stoning unless an international campaign launched by her children forces the authorities to quash what her lawyer calls a bogus conviction.

In a case that highlights the growing use of the death penalty in a country that has already executed more than 100 people this year, Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani was convicted in May 2006 of conducting an “illicit relationship outside marriage.”

Sakineh already endured a sentence of 99 lashes, but her case was re-opened when a court in Tabriz suspected her of murdering her husband. She was acquitted, but the adultery charge was reviewed and a death penalty handed down on the basis of “judge’s knowledge” – a loophole that allows for subjective judicial rulings where no conclusive evidence is present.

Speaking to the Guardian, her son Sajad, 22, and daughter Farideh, 17, say their mother has been unjustly accused and already punished for something she did not do.

“She’s innocent, she’s been there for five years for doing nothing”, Sajad said. He described the imminent execution as barbaric. “Imagining her, bound inside a deep hole in the ground, stoned to death, has been a nightmare for me and my sister for all these years.”

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at least not until all understand it.

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On passing…

I pass. Or, if you want the truth, I’m invisible in several ways. Most people look at me and see “white,” when I’m not. Even the government does, when in reality I’m anthropologically closer to someone of Asian descent by being Hispanic. (Yes, it’s true. There are three ancestral categories for people according to Anthropology’s standards, Mongoloid, Negroid, and Caucasoid. My bone structure marks me as undeniably Mongoloid, because of my Hispanic ancestry. But most people only see my pale skin.)

This invisibility sometimes makes it so I hear things, conversations and the like, between people about immigration, racist remarks, and general comments that are frustrating and hard to sit by and hear. It makes me want to wave my arms and yell “I’m right fucking here! Hello!” A lot of people, even within my extended family, are surprised to learn I’m Hispanic. It hurts in a different way than overt rejection or ignorance by someone.

Friends who know me well won’t be too surprised about the next way I’m often not seen. And even though this is the internet, and fairly easy to stay anonymous, it’s still difficult. I’ve already said goodbye to the Broom Closet as far as my social life is concerned, so here’s another closet to finish up saying goodbye to. I’m queer. (No, “queer” does not specifically denote “gay,” it’s a much more inclusive term now. For me, it just means I’m not straight.) I’ve been pretty open about finding certain women attractive for a long while. And I’ve not had a relationship with anyone other than cis straight males, despite how comfortable they may have been with their femininity. But I’ve only really started admitting the desire to myself recently. I feel that I fall in love with a person, and not their gender or gender identity. I find many aspects of people beautiful, and hardly any of those physical features are restricted to specific sexes, let alone the personality features I find attractive. So, no, I’m not bi, if that’s what you’re thinking. To me, gender is not binary. I find quite a lot of genderqueer people to be incredibly good looking, as well as the possibility of seeing someone who is trans being attractive. That’s why queer, or pansexual, is the reality of my sexuality.

Honestly, my sexuality is just as unseen as my ethnicity. Part of this is even evident in the LGBTQI community, especially for certain groups like femmes. If you’re not obviously non-heteronormative you may be looked upon with suspicion, or even ridicule, which I find disturbing considering everything the community has had to and continues to fight for. This is why I haven’t told my older sister, despite her being an out lesbian. She and her wife are of that kind. I’m not sure why I’m holding back on telling my mother. I don’t really know. But a few friends have been very good to me in listening and showing me it’s not a big deal to them. And my little sister, who’s really not that little anymore, has been a great outlet and sounding board for my insecurities. I’m hope I’m doing the same amount of good for her. (Love you, betch!)

Now, I have started to become less invisible as someone who cleaves to a non-Abrahamic religion. Through winter, because of the weather, it was much less so since my necklace tended to stay inside my shirt. But with the onset of warmer weather I’ve had one bad reaction by a person (not horrible, just sudden silence and air of disapproval from my cashier at the grocery store,) and two nice comments/questions. Most people just don’t react. Yeah, the being in Southern California may be one of the reasons for that, but it’s still a surprise and a relief.

How many people see you for who you really are?

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It’s the best description of the geyser of oil rushing into the Gulf I’ve come across. The thing that worries me the most is that we’ll soon forget this crisis as the flood of information, exclamations, and general junk streams past us every day. It amazes me how soon we “move on” from a disaster. Unless we’re one of those directly affected.

The helpless feeling may be the worst for those unable to help.

We forget we’re animals. We use the term “they’re such an animal” to disparage someone. It is an insult, but not to the person being called an animal. It is insulting to animals themselves. We, the most intelligent of animals are also the most cruel, the most self-serving, the most manipulative. No other animal tries to constrain its environment to such a point to call it “tame,” and then be surprised when it bites back. No other animal has the arrogance needed to cause such a disaster. What organism behaves in a manner closest to us? Deadly infections, be they viruses, bacteria, or parasites. They routinely invade a host, take over the desired resources, and then move on to the next one.

This is the exact reason why half the time I hope for a pandemic on the scale of the Plague. It may be the only way to wrest us from our somnolence and denial of our responsibility for our actions. And I know most of you wouldn’t understand that.

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