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Archive for May, 2010

On passing…

I pass. Or, if you want the truth, I’m invisible in several ways. Most people look at me and see “white,” when I’m not. Even the government does, when in reality I’m anthropologically closer to someone of Asian descent by being Hispanic. (Yes, it’s true. There are three ancestral categories for people according to Anthropology’s standards, Mongoloid, Negroid, and Caucasoid. My bone structure marks me as undeniably Mongoloid, because of my Hispanic ancestry. But most people only see my pale skin.)

This invisibility sometimes makes it so I hear things, conversations and the like, between people about immigration, racist remarks, and general comments that are frustrating and hard to sit by and hear. It makes me want to wave my arms and yell “I’m right fucking here! Hello!” A lot of people, even within my extended family, are surprised to learn I’m Hispanic. It hurts in a different way than overt rejection or ignorance by someone.

Friends who know me well won’t be too surprised about the next way I’m often not seen. And even though this is the internet, and fairly easy to stay anonymous, it’s still difficult. I’ve already said goodbye to the Broom Closet as far as my social life is concerned, so here’s another closet to finish up saying goodbye to. I’m queer. (No, “queer” does not specifically denote “gay,” it’s a much more inclusive term now. For me, it just means I’m not straight.) I’ve been pretty open about finding certain women attractive for a long while. And I’ve not had a relationship with anyone other than cis straight males, despite how comfortable they may have been with their femininity. But I’ve only really started admitting the desire to myself recently. I feel that I fall in love with a person, and not their gender or gender identity. I find many aspects of people beautiful, and hardly any of those physical features are restricted to specific sexes, let alone the personality features I find attractive. So, no, I’m not bi, if that’s what you’re thinking. To me, gender is not binary. I find quite a lot of genderqueer people to be incredibly good looking, as well as the possibility of seeing someone who is trans being attractive. That’s why queer, or pansexual, is the reality of my sexuality.

Honestly, my sexuality is just as unseen as my ethnicity. Part of this is even evident in the LGBTQI community, especially for certain groups like femmes. If you’re not obviously non-heteronormative you may be looked upon with suspicion, or even ridicule, which I find disturbing considering everything the community has had to and continues to fight for. This is why I haven’t told my older sister, despite her being an out lesbian. She and her wife are of that kind. I’m not sure why I’m holding back on telling my mother. I don’t really know. But a few friends have been very good to me in listening and showing me it’s not a big deal to them. And my little sister, who’s really not that little anymore, has been a great outlet and sounding board for my insecurities. I’m hope I’m doing the same amount of good for her. (Love you, betch!)

Now, I have started to become less invisible as someone who cleaves to a non-Abrahamic religion. Through winter, because of the weather, it was much less so since my necklace tended to stay inside my shirt. But with the onset of warmer weather I’ve had one bad reaction by a person (not horrible, just sudden silence and air of disapproval from my cashier at the grocery store,) and two nice comments/questions. Most people just don’t react. Yeah, the being in Southern California may be one of the reasons for that, but it’s still a surprise and a relief.

How many people see you for who you really are?

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It’s the best description of the geyser of oil rushing into the Gulf I’ve come across. The thing that worries me the most is that we’ll soon forget this crisis as the flood of information, exclamations, and general junk streams past us every day. It amazes me how soon we “move on” from a disaster. Unless we’re one of those directly affected.

The helpless feeling may be the worst for those unable to help.

We forget we’re animals. We use the term “they’re such an animal” to disparage someone. It is an insult, but not to the person being called an animal. It is insulting to animals themselves. We, the most intelligent of animals are also the most cruel, the most self-serving, the most manipulative. No other animal tries to constrain its environment to such a point to call it “tame,” and then be surprised when it bites back. No other animal has the arrogance needed to cause such a disaster. What organism behaves in a manner closest to us? Deadly infections, be they viruses, bacteria, or parasites. They routinely invade a host, take over the desired resources, and then move on to the next one.

This is the exact reason why half the time I hope for a pandemic on the scale of the Plague. It may be the only way to wrest us from our somnolence and denial of our responsibility for our actions. And I know most of you wouldn’t understand that.

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and revelations about mine. I seem to be having those this past year. Not really in the way “Oh! I didn’t know this about myself!” More along the lines of “I’ve grown up enough to be comfortable about this aspect of me and want to let the people I care about know these things.”

Now, since I finally started classes in February, I’m beginning to have a semblance of a social life I have had to explain about my newly comfortable-with sexuality. I’m pansexual. Basically, I don’t care if you’re male, female, MtF trans, FtM trans, genderqueer, intersex, non-gendered, or any variation thereof. I don’t believe people fall in love with what’s in someone’s pants. (Though you can be enthusiastic about it for sure.) You fall in love with a person. You have relationships with people. So I am interested in the individual, and though I may prefer certain looks, they’re not essential like the preferences on someone’s nature. You get it?

For almost three years I’ve not been interested in forming a relationship with a guy. (There’s one exception, but I’ve liked him for almost six years. New guys? Not one has caught my eye for three years.) Now I find myself having to explain to guys who approach me that though I don’t look queer, I am. And I’m emphatically not interested in anything beyond friendship. I had to explain this to one classmate, he took it as I’m a lesbian, but whatever. He got the point. Now, I’ve been hanging out with another classmate who’s been cool enough to actually get to know me first, but the other day asked me to dinner at his family’s place. I’ve been feeling like I should explain to him, and quick, but I wanted to do that in person and haven’t had the privacy to. (Movie theatres, in class, and at Borders are not the place I discuss my sexuality.) So now I have to call, and I hate doing that to people. Especially people who go through the effort to become friends.

Fuck.

(PS: got my music back!)

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